I miss my Dad

Some days, some moments, this is all I feel.

It hurts the most when you forget; enjoy the beauty of the day or the excitement of the moment and want to tell one of your favorite people and closest friends. And forget that he is no longer here.

Or to think about the upcoming Holidays and despair the thought of living them without him.

Sometimes, I just miss him on beautiful days when I want to talk about the weather.

But tonight, there is simply no reason. I'm just aching to see my Dad, to speak to him again. I miss him so much.

Starbucks

I can easily get distracted at Starbucks watching the interactions of others, immensely more interesting than editing my law review paper. It's really not my fault that interesting people seem to follow me everywhere I go, right? I must describe what I mean by "interesting" before I proceed. I do not necessarily mean someone who is brilliantly informed, has an amazing life-story, and is immensely captivating. I simply mean that some people are interesting in their most mundane interactions, and I am distracted by the observances.

Today there is a young woman with red hair sitting across from me with her macbook in her lap, and a scowl on her face. She is married, I believe has kids at home, and comes from a fairly wealthy background. To her right, and my left, is a man with striking similarities, the same red hair, but less of a scowl. He is clearly her dad. Just now she was on the phone talking to someone oh-so-important and her Dad tried to pass her a newspaper article to look at. When she finally got off the phone, she barked "What is so important." He asked her to take a look at the article, which I've just noticed is about the new "oldest person in the world." She shoves it back at him, completely uninterested. He reads a line from the article about her having integrity, etc, and said "That is the key."

I really do not know this family, and it is obviously none of my business, but if I got to have another opportunity to have a teaching moment from my Dad, I hope I would never shrug it off so callously. Life is precious, interactions are rare, Daddies do not stay forever.

I wish I could tell these lessons to the man on the street, or the woman who is too busy to listen, or to my three year old friends. But why would they listen? Who thinks it will happen to them? And mostly, I'm scared of the reactions. So I am telling them to you. You should tell them to others. You should never take life, love, family for granted. You should listen to your Dad; he is immensely more interesting than you, I guarantee it.

Dreams

I've had some fairly disconcerting dreams over these past few months. They have been occurring less and less, but I had a vivid one this morning again. It's usually of my Dad just days before he is going to die. But in none of them does he die. It's just those few days beforehand. In my dreams we all know he is supposed to go some particular day, so they are generally focused on saying Goodbye and loving on him. But they are always heart-wrenching.

Sometimes I cherish having even these types of dreams, simply because it is sort of an interaction that we don't get to have anymore. But they can be so heartbreaking as well. I was sobbing in my dream from this morning, feeling sad to the depths of my soul even in my sub-conscious.

I have prayed for good dreams about my Dad over these past few months, essentially hoping for the Lord to let me have a real current interaction with my Dad in the dreams. I'm not sure if that's how it works, but if I've had those types of dreams, I must forget them by the morning.

The nice part of my dream last night? My Daddy looked good. He was hugging and kissing my mom, and then he gave me and my siblings a kiss as well.